Monday, August 31, 2009

From the Dean's Mailbag

Bickerstaff has brought me a whole stack of correspondence, somehow overlooked while we were moving. If you wish to contact the Dean, or to ask him a question of great doctrinal or moral import, you may do so at the following address: kiwiexaminer at gmail.com

Q: Your Reverence,

My parish is going through a period of Liturgical Change. Our Vicar has abandoned the liturgy in favour of impromptu tamborine solos, and ex-tempore prayers to "The Big Guy." He has replaced "Thy Hand O Lord Hast Guided" with "Shine Jesus, Shine" and instructs us to call him Ken!

Whatever shall I do?

Sincerely,

A___ B____
Parish of the Holy Cross
_____shire.

A: Ah, yes, call-me-Ken. Well, you could try remonstrating, but if the Vicar is a convert to the Nave Rave, you will not get very far. You could try writing to the Lord Bishop, but I doubt he will be of any use to you--as that dreadful Papist John Henry Newman pointed out, it's every parish priest a Pope these days. I suggest that you invest in one of these, and supply yourself with suitable musick, and/or preaching during Divine Service. If "Ken" (or his wife Barbie) attempts to hug you, say a dignified "Good morning Father," and sweep him a curtsey on the way out. I defy even the happiest of clap-ridden Vicars to hug the top of someone's head, even on the way back up. Remember: Priests will come and go, but the Altar Guild remaineth forever.

Sincerely,

Jno Swift


Q: The Glorious Revolution has begun! In the Next Leap Forward, El Presidente has released a New Handbook! The Proleteriat Rejoices! The Workers Break Into Song!

A: What is the Proleteriat?

Sincerely

Jno Swift

PS: Good luck!


Q: Reverend Sir

I am a cleric of some note, but lately have been experiencing Religious Doubts. What shall I do?

Sincerely,

+R___ W____

Lambeth


A: Reverend Sir,

Have you considered joining a closed Monastick Order? It might be some relief to you after the stresses of your Clerical Post--and monks do not have to make Hard Decisions.


Sincerely

Swift


Q: I am tempted to vote for the Green Party. How may I resist such a temptation best?

Sincerely

IB

D__shire

A: That's easy. Register for the Green Party Conference. If a few days of concentrated eccentricity does not dissuade you, go for a long Nature Walk, making sure to Leave your Tent, Lilo &c. at Home. After a day or so of cockroaches, mosquitoes, charging bulls, mud puddles, roaring torrents etc. your enthusiasm for Untamed Nature should have abated, and you will have a whole new appreciation for Capitalism; VIZ: Indoor Plumbing, Woolen Mittens, Fire, Cooked Food, Animal Skins, etc.

Fight the Good Fight,

Jno Swift.

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